Ten Steps to Writing a Bestselling Feminist Book in Egypt

Since they make it look so easy, i’ve come up with a few guidelines to follow in case any of us women are planning on publishing a Feminist Egyptian Book soon:

1. Book Title: Sex sells. So do the words Shit, Fuck (or Screw), Relationship and Women. Put any of these in your title and you’ve already done 50% of your work.

2. Book Cover: Sex sells. Put a woman on your cover, preferably one in a short skirt, with luscious red lips or long legs that will have men running for the closest bookstore. If you’re feeling extra cocky, put yourself (or your sister) on the cover, have your brother photoshop it and Tadaaaaaa. If you’re super creative, take a page out of Maria (el3ab el3ab el3ab)’s book and put someone in a tartan mini skirt. Even if it’s a man. Nothing sells like a pair of hairy man legs in a tartan mini-skirt.

3. Don’t Click Spellcheck on Your Word Document. Or have your sister/mother/neighbour/accountant edit it. Be sure to leave in blinding spelling mistakes. Obviously the 1000 friends and relatives that get a free copy of your book won’t mind because they’re only reading it to see if you’ve mentioned them. Make sure your point is clear by USING BLOCK CAPITALS AND QUADRUPLE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!! because God knows we’re not literate enough to get your message unless you hit us on the head with a sledgehammer.

4. Write About How Much You Hate Men. Start off by saying you love men. That will lure naive male readers into reading. Then on page two, reveal that you really hate men because they are responsible for everything wrong in your life. Got dumped by a boyfriend? Take it out on the male race. A man harassed you on the street? All men must pay. Some idiot called you fat (even if it was your dietician)? Write a book and claim that men are a tree full of poison, or something equally catchy.

5. Call yourself a Feminist. Because obviously women who hate men are feminists, right? And writing a book about the big bad evil men is a revolutionary book and will liberate women all over Egypt and around the world. Because no independently thinking woman can come to her own conclusion on feminism without a book that explains Hate+Man=feminist.

6. Sex Really Does Sell. Talk about sex like a guy would, but then explain that women shouldn’t try to act like men or be equal to men because they’ll fail miserably and they’re better off in their designer shoes and perfect red lipstick. Equate independent, successful women with how many designer shoes and bags they own.Got that? Right, moving on.

7. Use Google as a Credible Citation Source. Call yourself an expert. Who needs a degree in psychology or feminist literature when all you have to do is remember a few Madonna lyrics or watch a few chick flicks? That’s education! To justify all your claims about the psychology of men, just google ‘psychology men bad’ and cite your first result. Even if it’s a blog. Or a porn site. Or a shoe shop. We don’t care. If it’s online, it must be true.

8. Self-Love. Nothing sells like a big ego (well, apart from sex). Badger your friends/colleagues/siblings/MSN buddies to wax lyrical about how desirable, intelligent, sexy, fabulous, sexy, talented, and revolutionary (revolutionary sells these days…apart from sex and egos of course) you are. Act totally modestly by having their testimonials printed in your book. Surely women will gain self-confidence and relate to you by reading about how many material possessions you’ve acquired as a result of being feminist and fabulous. Fabufeminist.

9. Add some Poetry for Good Measure. Feel inspired by Dr. Seuss’ Cat in The Hat?  Write about how you feel mad, then sad, then bad about feeling mad and sad. This is art. you are an artist. Keats ain’t got nothin on you. Don’t know Keats? Google him and choose your first result. Assume that your readers haven’t read since third grade and appreciate the same level of literature back when they needed to follow pictures to get the plot.

10. Forget content. Who needs a plot, characters, an actual theory or conclusion when you have all those surefire guaranteed moneymaking points mentioned above? You don’t need to entertain or enlighten your readers, you need to make a point. By completely missing it. At the end of the day, women will thank you. And men will thank you. We’re sure they never knew how evil they were until you wasted 200 pages of their reading lives to explain that. Your next marketing step should be to launch a rehab for men or male workshops so that they can learn from your wisdom and be better…. oh wait, you say you love them just the way they are? Oh. Right. Then.What. Was. The. Point.Of.Your. Book?

And there you have it. Ay khedma.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Ten Steps to Writing a Bestselling Feminist Book in Egypt

  1. Hahaha…oh, Desk Girl, I so feel you on this. And that one book cover you’re referring to (you know, the one with the sister) scares the hell out of me every time I see it.

  2. meg

    bahahahahaha! I completely relate to the satirical lilt of this post..write on!

  3. Noha

    I was getting interviewed at a famous TV station for a marketing position when the interviewer asked me “what do you think you can do to get us more viewers”. I said “change the content”, then I threw an example of how they have dedicated a good 20 minute spot on their daily show to a certain someone giving relationship advice when she is not expert whatsoever on the matter (not like she had a psychology degree, or marital counseling certificate… or event had a personal experience of healthy relationships… since I know like 50% of her ex boyfriends)….His answer was “how come she’s not an expert… she wrote a book about relationships”

    And that’s when I excused myself

  4. i am interesting with you if want to contact with me

    then send me e-mail shafiquerafique@hotmail.com

  5. This is not only in Egypt…this is all over…loved your post!

  6. Amira

    Genius. Why am I seeing this one annoying face in my mind while reading your article? Do you know who I mean? Do you? Do you?

  7. Anonymous

    Well honestly speaking this is mostly happening in all over Muslim countries and the fact is that they says and they give the priority to women a lot so why then it’s happening in muslim countries ?

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