Shake It, Goose!

Maybe I’m getting older, maybe I’m out of practice, but it seems like the dating scene has changed dramatically in the last four years since I last was out on the prowl.  I figured, hey,  flirting again is just like getting back onto a bike, right? Not really.

Don’t get me wrong, I find Egyptian men completely charming in their shy, Neanderthal flirting ways of picking on my hair/outfit/accent all night long before professing their undying love for me, or my personal favorite, ignoring me for years and then professing their undying love for me.  With all their shortcomings, they easily make up for it with their warm smiles, generous compliments and easy-to-talk-to-ness.

But lately, the flirting seems to have gone from clumsy/cute to downright lawnmower aggressive. Or as one friend referred to it, the Hurricane Katrina Approach: you won’t know what hit you till it’s over.

Exhibit A: Cute guy checks me out at the Jazz Club, although, in hindsight, the fact that he reminded me of one of those Prison Break thugs should have been a warning sign. Cute guy simply comes up and starts dancing with me [Note: This is ok as long as you have rhythm and you don’t  imitate Akon’s Smack That moves].

TWO SECONDS into introducing himself as Zizo (ahem) he asks me where I live. Then he asks if I live alone. Then he suggests he drives me home. Then he suggests he comes home with me.  Call me old-fashioned, but I was hoping to get past the small talk about work/childhood/aspirations in life before receiving the indecent proposal.

Zizo (whose last name was unfortunately not Natana) didn’t seem to take my nervous laughter and polite Nos  as a No, because some idiot somewhere started a rumour that women mean Yes when they say No.

Note to men, If I’m pushing your chest away and shouting “No!”, that pretty much means No. Not much room there for misinterpretation.

Eventually the unfortunately named Zizo backed off and went home alone, but it had me thinking: What exactly is it about me that inspires men to use such sleazy lines? Are they so desperate to pull that they’ll risk getting slapped/kicked/beaten up by someone’s thugly older brother?

No, I don’t have a thugly older brother but that’s besides the point.

Exhibit B: I’m dancing at a Lebanese Club in London, and as luck would have it, I’m surrounded by Egyptian men who are obviously homesick and miss Egyptian curves as much as their mama’s molokheya.  This motivates one guy to come up to me as I dance, clap feverishly and yell what is literally translated into ‘Shake it, Goose!’

Geese smell and have ugly feet. How on earth does that count as a compliment?

Goose boy then proceeds to eavesdrop on my conversation with a friend, and when he hears that I’m from Alexandria, he almost throws himself into my arms and shrieks ‘You’re from Alexandria? Say Ayoo, say Ayoo Please! Please! Say Ayooo!”

We don’t say Ayoo, motherfucker.

Exhibit C: Guy checks me out all night long. I know this because he’s standing right in front of me and staring without blinking. Eventually I have to move to the other side of the bar to avoid his glare. At the end of the night, as I’m pulling on my coat, Eyeballer walks up to me and says “Nice Hair!” and then runs the other way.

Seriously?

Exhibit D: Guy puts out his foot as I walk past, makes me trip in my heels, catches me and says: “Oh Look, I made you fall for me!”

Bleugh.

What Zizo the Unfortunate, Goose-boy, Eyeballer and Bigfoot all have in common are two things-

1. They went from zero to 180 in seconds, far too fast for someone as rusty and shy as me. Don’t laugh. I AM shy.

2. Their lines, while sometimes funny, were just too intimidating. If you make me (or pretty much any woman) feel uncomfortable, you’ve lost your chance. No chat up line should make a woman revise her self-defense routine in her head.

Maybe this is how kids flirt these days, maybe I’m too shy, or maybe our generation is so caught up with the fast pace of life that we’re cutting to the chase in everything we do: deliver instead of cook, BBM/poke instead of call, lols instead of tediously spelling out the frigging words, we’re always rushing. But the beauty of flirting is its lazy pace, which gives us time to check each other out and become physically, emotionally and mentally intrigued. You have to establish some electric connection before reaching for the, ahem, light switch.

The ones who’ve worked their magic on me are those who compliment casually, flirt but not agressively, dance but not rub up against me. And above all, they have to make me laugh.

Note to those of you who download chat-up lines off websites (Yes you, I know you do it), the most fool-proof line that works every single time with me is this:

“Hi, my name is [insert name here].” Smile. “How are you?”

That simple.

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10 Comments

Filed under Dating Jungle

10 responses to “Shake It, Goose!

  1. Zizo Natana

    love the blog, rock on! In all! I admit that our kind sometimes go for the katrina approach, but u gotta admit some in your team go for (whos his dad, is he loaded, is he single, does he want to get married?) approach , which sucks! lol

    • Diary of a Desk Girl

      Thank you zizo, i’m so glad you got up the guts to face me again after the public humiliation i put you through! and yes, my kind aren’t that smooth either on the flirting front, but at least we don’t try to trip you over and make you fall.

  2. K

    Hey. I like your blog 🙂 Do you have the option of enabling RSS so I can stay updated about new posts? I know you can do it on Blogger, but I’m not sure about WordPress.

  3. Nona- nice person- wrong planet

    One of yr best pieces yet!!
    I was laughing out load 😀
    keep it up:)

  4. Wesam Masoud

    Tripping a girl and telling her she fell for you…. That’s a new one.

    I like the old fashioned pick up lines. Like “Where does your Dad work” and “do you prefer 18Karat or 24 Karat Gold for your shabka”. and finally, the 3 fisted humdinger “ana 3awez 2a2arab minnik” (I want to get closer to you – which sounds so much sexier in English.)

  5. forsoothsayer

    dool ghalbaneen neik. but you’ll never actually meet a guy at the jazz club, fa naffady. the only way to do it is 1) through friends 2) at more select events where alcohol imbibement is curtailed.

  6. Anonymous

    All of the places u go are dirty ones discos and night clubs ppl would understand u wrong, i mean the Egyptians there, in London, and yes forget about them, they have some psychological issues .

  7. SwitchBlade

    I wonder how you manage living living such a lifestyle; seducing, spouting vulgarities, and out of the blue u danced in a Lebanese club are you an escort? Not to be anal but ur just a loose cannon walking down the street with no purpose in life if temptation is your talent that’s your curse.

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